70: When You Get In a Fight With Your Significant Other

Hey! Just wanted to say thanks for reading my rambling. Hope it's helpful!

So this morning, on my walk with my husband, we found ourselves in a dumb argument. Literally 10 steps out the door. Ok, whatever. Let it go. Keep on walking.

A few more steps- another one. 

Turn the corner on the block- and another one.

via GIPHY

So now I'm pissed off about the arguments, and I'm mad that my morning is ruined.

So I do my typical Jaclyn temper tantrum and storm away! I walk faster and get home first. Now I'm heated and additionaly angry that I won't be able to go for my run because I'm so mad, and not going for my run is going to ruin the whole rest of my day, and I probably won't get any work done today because I'll be in a bad mood, and it's all my husband's fault.

When some people get angry, they're able to turn that rage into energy for a hard workout.

When I'm angry, I just want to crawl in bed and scroll social media and close my eyes and pout.

And then I was like, "Wait- you don't want to be that person anymore! That person who lets their whole day get ruined by an arguement. DO THE OPPOSITE."

So instead of crawling into bed, I went into the kitchen and started washing dishes and worked on my breathing. When my thoughts started going over the fight and replaying it over and over again, I could tell it was amping me up agan.

"Jaclyn, do the opposite. Breathe. Don't think right now. Breathe."

After I finished the dishes, I thought about starting my work day early because I wouldn't be able to go for a run because I was so angry, and then I was like,

"Wait, why can't you go for a run? You can't go for a run because you feel this yucky emotion? But going to bed or not getting the run done just makes you feel worse about yourself and the day. Nope- not happening. Jaclyn, do the opposite. Go for the run."

I headed outside, and it was a shitty run! I did not want to be out there, my legs felt heavy, and my thoughts were a mess. Usually I would just let myself come home and go back to bed, but I made myself stick with it.

I remembered a book about meditation I read that said if you say you're going to meditate for 10 minutes and the 10 minutes feel hard because your thoughts are going a million miles an hour, still stick with it. Keep the habit. It's just 10 minutes.

I got home from the run, and my husband came to apologize. Honestly, my old self believes that once a fight is started, it should last several days, and you should give the other person the silent treatment and make it super awkward. If they apologize, start another fight to keep the fight going! YUCK.

"Jaclyn, do the opposite."

I listened to and accepted my husband's apology, and then also apologized for my irrational behavior. We chatted for a bit more and came to a better understanding of where each other was coming from. (What the fuck?! The fight is over now? WHOA.)

And then we were able to move on with our days and go do actions to move us forward in life.

In the past, my reactions to the morning argument would have ruined my entire day.

THAT is self-sabotage.

When I choose to respond to a yucky emotion by hiding in bed, I am sabotaging the life I want to create.

I shared this image in yesterday's blog.

The actions I need to take every morning are 1. Walk 2. Run.

BUUUUT a lot of people don't realize what's below the surface sabotages those actions.

I didn't grow up knowing how to handle conflict. I don't think many kids do. I have old beliefs about myself and how to handle conflict (silent treatment and making the fight last for days!) and my beliefs, thoughts, and emotions can definitely sabotage the actions I ultimately take.

So one way to change allllll this is....

DO A DIFFERENT ACTION. DO THE OPPOSITE!

When you get into an argument with a significant other or you have a stressful day at work, you might do a self-sabotaging action.

DO THE OPPOSITE.

You can keep repeating the same actions, but you'll keep getting the same outcome.

OOOOR you can become aware of your old beliefs, decide to create new ones, and do different actions.

Based on today's whole ordeal, I am like, 

"Oh, we can be a couple that resolves arguments in a healthy way." (New belief!)

"I can be a person who moves on from a fight instead of letting it fester." (New belief!)

"I can be a person who consistently takes daily action no matter the crappy things happening in life instead of only taking the action when life is perfect and merry." (New belief!)

This is the big thing I find with clients.

They want to change their weight or change their actions with food or exercise but think they just need to do the actions when life is happy.

But life isn't always happy. Life has stress and challenges and obstacles.

Or as I've read, the obstacle isn't in your way. The obstacle IS your way

Notice the actions you take in stressful times.

Are they helping you move along?

Or sabotaging the life you want?

It'll take a lot of awareness and a lot of reps to change things!!

Want to change your outcome?

1. When you're stressed or angry or feeling another not pleasant emotion, notice what response you usually take.

2. Do the opposite action.

3. Acknowledge that you're BEING a different person. Acknowledge this new evidence that you're capable of change!!

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xo,

Jaclyn